the land stays quiet and unmoved

This is me, tapping away on my keyboard as quietly as possible so I don't disturb the ones in dreamland. Feelings and/of/or thoughts that are at the peak of raw-ness reveal themselves when one is the only individual awake at 6:19am. One has also been binge watching Hannibal (the series) on Netflix for the pass 6 hours, thought I'd add that.

Lately, I have been having a difficult time channeling or accepting the social norms of current events in this world. To the anger point in whereby I deleted all my social media platforms (only lasted for half a day, talk about self control, I don't seem to have that in my inventory). Advertisements specifically, they're everywhere. Lurking at every corner, the nooks and cranny. It angers me. I used to be immune to them, accepting each and every one as if they truly had a purpose to take my attention away from me (not only that, I studied it as one of my modules in my degree). But they don't, I see it now as time thieves, I didn't ask for it. Bold headlines above a diarrhoea of meaningless, tasteless, unfulfilling, worthless texts and pictures. Yet, here I am, pretty much projecting a similar display on something that I feel negatively upon. Ironic, isn't it? What if what lies in my future is in the advertising department, what would the level of irony be in that?

Do people working in advertising have to like advertisements?

Here is more of me spewing out the questions that run through my mind endlessly.

"What would they think of me knowing I'm unemployed?"

"Do they assume I am actively job hunting?"

"Is doing what I want at the current time considered selfish, lazy and idiotic?"

"Am I doing anything to help myself in my non-existing career?"

"What's taking me so long?"

"What am I waiting for?"

"Why am I constantly afraid?"
"Why do I have to justify what I do with my time?"

"Am I a waste of space, time and resources?"

That last question hits me the hardest and deepest to the extend that it seems to be embedded on my forehead so I see it every single time I look in the mirror and embedded on the back of my eyelids so every blink and shut eye, it's there reminding me. I'm constantly apologising and feeling frightened upon existing.

Grown ups with their life planned out, family foundation laid down, career running on a full tank of oil, did they know they were heading that way? When do you know to take a left turn or right or up or down or speed up or slow down or a pit stop to take a breather?

Realisation//

I think (maybe more like I know) I have the tendency to develop a strong unhealthy attachment to everyone and everything that I hold very dear and close to my heart. No matter how old or worn out the item is. Once I've given it story filled with love, I might as well say it'll follow me to the grave. Even the living, to the point whereby I subconsciously stay awake to treasure the time and feeling of having a loved one next to me (whether they're awake or not). And when my brain knows they'll be too busy to give me attention, only then, I can fall asleep without guilt of under appreciating.

I don't expect everyone to understand this feeling neither will I be surprise if this is fairly familiar to you too, I just, don't know why the atoms of my body, with such capability to do anything is doing nothing. Hopefully, I'll figure things out soon, even if I don't, I don't mind. It's been an hour now, the colour of the sky is tuning out of darkness. I'll be back with more little thought monsters, if not, I'll still be back with more content for my blog. Goodbye for now, readers.